


Spa Day

by the_wildcard



Category: IT Crowd
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Moss gets punched in the face, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 08:46:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9115708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_wildcard/pseuds/the_wildcard
Summary: After Jen suggests Moss attend a spa with someone special for Valentines, Moss is floored at the prospect of having to find a date. And to make it worse, Roy says no to Moss' proposition that they go together.





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> This is more romantic than i thought it would be. Also, i really did not care about the spa aspect of this at all. Its all about the journey up until spa day

Roy looks up from the comic book in his hands when he hears Moss and Jen getting back from lunch.

"It'll be fun Moss. You deserve a bit of fun, don't you? All you'd have to do is find a date by Sunday." After hearing that, Moss stops in his tracks, at the door of the office. "Explain to me your line of thinking as to how you thought that would put my anxiety at ease, Jen." 

The last date Moss had was with his flipping psychologist, and Roy ended up stealing her away. By the end of the night, Moss was left with the privilege to help Jen back home. The walk to her flat was difficult; Jen was so wasted she could hardly walk. 

When they had finally gotten to her place, Jen begged Moss to stay the night. "I could throw up and choke and die, Moss. My blood would be on your hands," she had slurred. He, clearly, had no choice in the matter. 

"Come on," Jen of the present says, "you'll find someone by Sunday." She leaves Moss standing in the doorway, still too stunned to move. The mere idea of a date has left him reeling. He pointedly looks at Roy. 

"So how was lunch." Roy asks cheerfully. Moss finally moves a foot in front of the other and drops himself into his desk chair. "Ask Jen." 

And Roy does. 

 

"This salon is having a Valentines Day special on Sunday only. Two for the price of one." Roys arms are crossed as he listen to Jen speak. Shes painting her nails a deep pink, almost magenta. 

"Moss has seemed really stressed, well you know Moss, and I thought he could do well with having a couples massage. Maybe get his nails done. They're dreadful, have you seen them?" Roy knows what she means, he bites them so low they sometimes bleed. But he doesn't say that.

"You're setting him up to fail, Jen. He couldn't find a date by this weekend. He probably couldn't find a date for the next year." She narrows her eyes at him and points her newly polished finger at him. "Wait a second. Why are you so interested, huh?"

Roy rolls his eyes. He makes a few flabbergasted noises. Then he leaves Jen's office before she can ask anymore questions. 

 

Later that night, Roy and Moss are settled on Roy's couch. Theyve been scrolling through netflix for the past half hour, trying to agree on something to watch. "Hey!" Roy says, "what about this!" 

He begins reading the description of the movie out loud, before Moss cuts him off. "It has Benedict Cumberbatch in it."

"What, don't you like him?"

Moss wrings his hands. "He isn't my cup of tea."

Roy groans, and moves onto the next movie.

After a moment of silence, he looks at his friend. "Jen told me about the spa thing this weekend." Moss says nothing. He's attempting to count every mark on the wall of Roy's apartment. He miscounts and has to start over. 

"Do you think you'll find a girl by Saturday?" That gets Moss' attention. "Yes, Roy. I'm sure I'll have no problem." A smirk tugs at the corner of his lips, and Roy realizes his friend is being sarcastic. 

"Well, it's probably for the best. We all know what happened the last time I got a massage." 

"I'm not quite sure I know what you mean, there, Roy. Please explain." Even more sarcasm. Moss wonders what's gotten into him today. 

"A nice spa day would be ideal though," he practically sighs. He says it so dreamlike, Roy wonders if he meant to say it aloud. 

"Right..."

 

They're well into the second half of The Babadook, when Moss finally says something again. "Will you be my Sun-date." He's been taking deep breaths, and holding them in. He's not particularly fond of horror movies, only because he's convinced that a jump scare will somehow completely steal his breath, and he'll die watching a mediocre movie. 

Neither of them realize how close they're sitting, Moss has his legs pulled up, knees touching roys thigh. Roy, since the start of the movie, has somehow gravitated even closer to his friend. 

"Get it? Because the appointment is Sunday, and you would be accompanying me as my date." His heart is beating so hard, Moss is sure it'll pump right out. But that would be a scientific anomaly. Almost impossible. 

"We aren't a couple, Moss." Roy pauses. "Even if we were, I'm never going to get another massage. Never." Moss shrugs. Roy sees and wants to slap himself in the face for the thought he has. 

'Moss is looking tense.'

 

The next day at work, Moss shows up late. He comes in with his head low, and surprisingly, he doesn't go to his desk. Instead, he walks to the break room, making a point not to look at Roy as he passes him by.

Jen looks up from the magazine in her hands. She gives Roy a look that says, 'whats up with him?' They both get up and go to the back room. Moss has his back to them, his head is still angled downward. 

"Heya Moss," Jen greets him, voice several octaves higher than usual. "You okay?" 

He replies with almost no hesitation. "Yep." Roy nods. Something must've happened since they last saw each other. 

"Come on, Moss. Just tell us what it is." He doesnt respond. Instead, he turns around. 

"What happened, Moss?!" Jen yells and immediately raises her hand to touch his face. 

Theres an angry, dark purple bruise on his left cheekbone, with a cut in the center of it. He doesn't wince when Jen touches it, and he doesn't look either of them in the eyes. Not that he would have, otherwise. 

"Was it those fucking kids? Are they bothering you again? Because if they are, I swear I'll-" Moss stops him. "No, they havent bothered me since I pulled that revolver on them."

Jen grabs Moss' bicep. It's meant to be a calming touch, but he doesn't take it that way, and shrugs her off. "Who did this Moss?" 

He pushes past his coworkers and lowers himself tentatively into his desk. Its more caluclated looking than usual, and a thought flashes into his head. 'Did they not stop at his face.' As Moss speaks, Roy narrows his eyes, hoping to catch a hint that would give away any pain or discomfort Moss might be feeling. 

"Allow me to set the scene. Monday night. Roughly seven celsius. Everything was particularly damp." Jen nods for him to continue. "After Roy and I finished the movie, I went to a pub to try and 'pick up' someone. Since he made it clear we would not be going together." 

Roy rolls his eyes, holding back a groan. "So, I'm in this pub. And this woman approaches me the moment I sit down. I hadnt even had time to order a milk, yet." Moss hesitates. 

"I believe she was making advances. But then, this large man gets up in my face. The next thing I know, this man is grabbing my tie and punching me in the face." Jen has her hands covering her mouth. 

"I'm still unclear as to whether he was her husband or pimp."

While Jen cooes at and babies Moss, Roy sits down at his respective desk and begins his work for the day. 

 

Later that night, at half past eight, Roy shows up at the Moss' residence. He waits for a moment before he remembers that this odd family doesn't ever answer the door. 

He quickly constructs a text. "its me. open the fckn door."

Less than a minute later, Roy is greeted by Moss. For the hundredth time that day, he's surprised to see the dark blemish marking his best friends face. 

"Hello, Roy. What a surprise." Roy notices that Moss' hair is unparted. He's wearing dark sleep pants and a plain, long sleeved black shirt. Is this what he always lounges around in? This is Moss uninhibited?

"Moss? Who's at the door!?" A voice that grating could only be Moss' mother. "It's Roy, mum! Leave us alone!" He turns his face back to Roys. "Lets go to my bedroom." He grabs Roys jacket sleeve and pulls his toward the back of the house. 

 

"Welcome Roy. What brings you to my home so late?" Roy figures it isnt worth mentioning that it's only 8:45. "I wanted to talk to you in person." Moss grumbles something about skype being something that exists, and Roy is starting to want to drop the whole thing and leave. 

Instead he says, "you know, I suppose if you really do want to go on Sunday, we could pretend to be together." He looks at the blue duvet underneath him, and then looks up at Moss. He's sitting in a chair across from where Roy is, on his bed. "Just for Sunday."

"Great. That is appreciated, Roy. Though I do sort of wish you had agreed to that before I got pummeled by a stranger." Roy apologizes, and stands to leave. Moss does the same, and then Roy finally sees what he's been waiting for all day. Moss grimacing, inhaling sharply through clenched teeth, and his hand quickly raising to his ribs. 

"That guy didn't just hit you in the face, did he." Moss doesn't answer.

"Oh, Moss." 

"Well.."

Usually, being in close proximity with other humans renders Moss extremely uncomfortable until he has his own space again. Somehow Roy is different, and Moss doesn't question it anymore. So once they're only about a foot apart, and Roy says, "take off your shirt," Moss doesn't question it. Only acts. 

He cant tell if its adrenaline or excitement that flows throw him when his hands reach around to the back of his neck. He lifts his shirt up and off, and only whimpers slightly in pain. 

Roy is surprised to see the intensity of the bruises on Moss' skin. There are multiple contusions up and down his ribs, just the same color as his face. "God, how did he hit you this much, Moss?" 

"Once he punched me in the face and let go of my tie, I fell to the floor and assumed the fetal position." Roy looks upset and so Moss does what his first instinct tells him to do. 

There should be a limit to how many times Roy is taken off guard by Moss kissing him. 

He's over enthusiastic, which entirely makes up for the fact that he's a bit out of practice. And it's not like Roy isn't a little out of practice either. He hasnt been at the top of his game recently. But he's feeling pretty okay right now. 

Especially with Moss' hands running through his hair so gently, whereas he's using his mouth like he's starving. 

Once Roy gets over his general surprise, his hands wonder. One hand reaches up to lightly brush over the dark bruise and deep cut on the other mans high cheekbone. Eventually, though, his hands stop at the small of Moss' back. His skin is smooth and warm.

Roy wonders if he's the first one to have Moss like this. Standing in the middle of the bedroom he has abided in since he was a child. Perhaps it's just an intimate moment, but Roy feels content like this. 

He starts to think about Moss' thin pants, or his own shirt, and is prepared to do something about it. But a creaking sound renders Moss frozen. Their lips are still touching but tongues are back in their respective mouths, and Moss slowly lowers his hands. 

It happens in a blur, being thrown out of the house. Moss' mother's fingers are pinching Roy's ear as she yanks him away from her son. She's pulling Roy through the house, Moss in close pursuit, yelling at her, more emotion portrayed in his nasal voice than Roy thinks he's ever expressed. The front door slams behind him, and he hears the door lock five times. 

Yelling continues inside of the house, but it's no longer Moss' voice. Roy curses and begins to walk away.

 

Moss isn't at work the next morning, which is extremely concerning. Roy cant remember the last time he ever missed work, apart from when they skipped together. 

Roy, 9:15 AM: "sorry about your mum. what ended up happening?"

Roy, 9:32 AM: "moss moss moss u better answer me"

Roy, 9:56 AM: "u kissed me so if ur ignoring me, that woudnt be fair."

Roy, 10:20 AM: "did ur mum kill u? am i texting a dead man?"

Roy, 10:59 AM: "jen just asked where u were. i said i have no bloody clue"

After about twenty texts similiar, Roy gives up. During lunch he considers going back over to Moss' house, but figures that would just complicate the situation even more.

 

Thursday morning Moss comes into the office like nothing happened. "Hello!" His voice is chipper and he's smiling as he takes his backpack off carefully. Everything would be normal if it wasn't for his bruised face and the fact that that very bruised face was pressed against Roys face, only one day ago. 

"And where have you been?" Roy says, a bit like his own mother. Speaking of mothers... "What happened the other night?" Moss sits down in his desk, eyes on the screen, hands on the keyboard, as he asks casually, "you mean when you and I were kissing in my bedroom?

Roy silently thanks the Gods that Jen isn't in yet. He nods. "That, Roy, is sexual arousal. Classically its caused by-" 

"NO! Moss, no. I meant- oh for fucks sake. I meant what happened with you and your mother?" He stops typing and turns to Roy. 

"Im looking for another place to live." He says it simply, as if it wasn't a major life decision. "I realized that I'm nearing forty years old, and still allow my mother to control most things I do. Thought there was cause for change." 

"Where-" Roy clears his throat, "where would you move to?" Moss motions Roy over and points at his computer screen. "I just found this place." Roy crouches to look at the computer screen. "You mean you found it in the ten seconds you just spent on the computer?"

Moss shrugs. "Yeah? Anyway, look. Two bedroom. Two bathroom. And a kitchen. Totally the whole package." Roy shakes his head. "No but look at the location. Think about your commute." Moss nods. 

"Yes. You're right, I hadnt even thought about that. Roy, would you like to house hunt with me?" 

Roy looks down at Moss, and almost smiles. "You and I could move in together! You always complain about needing to find a new apartment." Without thinking too hard about it, Roy agrees. 

In college, Moss and Roy always talked about getting a place together once they graduated. But when the time came, Moss was too anxious to leave his mothers house. Roy supposes this was inevitable.

Jen comes in, speaking hurriedly to herself. Roy thankfully doesn't have to pay her any attention because when he gets back to his desk, the phone rings. 

"IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

 

"Moss. Get up, we have to leave in fifteen minutes." Roy flicks his friends nose and goes to the kitchen/living/dining room area to make coffee. For the past couple days, Moss has been crashing with him, so he doesn't have to stay with his mother longer than necessary. Some would say that's about twenty years too late. 

It's been really difficult living in this place now, with all of Moss' stuff making it seem even smaller than it is. For example, Moss' bed is piled on top of cardboard boxes he labelled "fragile: books and candles."

Roy pours himself a cup of coffee, considers it, and pours one for Moss as well. Not that the kid needs caffeine. As he's sprinkling sugar into his steaming mug, a cold hand touches his cheek. Roy jumps, managing to only spill a few drops of the coffee on himself. 

That's another thing about living with Moss. He's so quiet, its impossible to tell where he is. Unless he's tripped or knocked something down. "Good morning," he says, voice thick with sleep. Roy picks up the mug and hands it to Moss. "Good morning." 

Moss opens the fridge, as far as it allows, and scans for food. When he finds nothing adequate he reaches into his plaid sleep pants and pulls a roll of smarties. Moss sets his mug on the counter and then hoists himself up as well. 

Roy feels like he's watching a nature documentary.

Moss, in a grey t-shirt, striped socks, no glasses, no shoes, hunched over on the counter. It's similiar to when you give your fluffy cat a shave. Like its almost an entirely different creature. Moss takes out a white smartie and offers it to Roy.

 

By the time Roy and Moss get to the salon, Moss is vibrating with anxiety. "I cant do this, Roy. They'll find out we're not a couple. We'll be thrown in the slammer. I've already had my run in with authority. I didn't enjoy it, Roy. I didn't enjoy it." 

They're outside the door, standing close on the sidewalk. Moss didn't bring his backpack, and without it he feels bare. He doesnt know where to put his hands, and so they're flailing about as he speaks. And it's like Roy reads his mind because at that moment he grabs Moss' hand and they go inside.

The lady at the front desk is very kind when they tell her they've had a couples appointment made at the beginning of the week. She doesn't blink twice. Moss, however, has half hidden himself behind Roy, and is blinking rapidly.

 

Roy steps out of the changing room, into the hall, with only his underpants on. They're preparing to have a mud bath and Moss is still in his fitting room. 

After a bit longer than was necessary, he comes out, in his underpants and undershirt and glasses. Roy smiles endearingly. 

The mud bath is also joined with the aromatherapy, which they figure out when they enter the room. "Wow." Moss steps inside tentatively. The bath is in the shape of a heart, and the room smells, almost overwhelmingly, of flowers. 

Roy steps into the bath, and groans as he sinks into the warm liquid. Moss stands idly near the door, arms crossed over his chest. "I don't like this, Roy."

Roy urges him to get in, that its 'relaxing.' But Moss isn't having any of it. Lying in wet dirt doesn't sound particularly appealing to him, he doesnt know why he was so desperate to come here. 

However, while he watches Roy in the bath, he knows exactly why he wanted to come today. 

 

After the mud bath, or in Moss' case, standing for half an hour, its time for the massage. They've been ushered to a different room, and asked to wait. Moss usually isn't great with reading emotion. However, Roy is making it very obvious that he's nervous. Since Roy has already washed off all the mud, Moss is fine with grabbing his hand, a desperate attempt to calm him down. 

Thats when two people peek their heads through the door. They must be the Masseurs. Moss glances at the people, at Roy, at the people and then back at Roy. Then he gently pecks Roys lips, and drops his hand. They must keep up appearances.

One of the masseurs says that they'll need to remove their undergarments, and makes a point to look at Moss as she says so. Roy makes a choking sound, that Moss assumes were meant to be words. The woman smiles politely, though slightly bewildered, and closes the door. 

"Hey, there, Roy. Im not exactly sure I want a massage, you know." He gestures at his ribs. It's not that he's lying exactly. But if Roy weren't so obviously terrified, Moss is sure he would've gone through with it. "Yeah," Roy nods excitedly. "Lets just skip it." 

 

The last item on the agenda is the steam room. The two men are standing outside of it. "We can go in there with our underwear, right?" Roy nods. And with that, they enter the steamy room. 

Immediately, Moss can feel that there are other people in there with them, but his vision is so impaired by the steam, he can't see anyone. Roy chose a bench in the far corner, Moss follows him slowly, attempting to scan the room for their company. He wishes he didn't have to take his glasses off before they came in. 

"I don't care much for this either, Roy. It's so sticky in here." He sits down on the bench, and folds his hands together in his lap. "What are you even supposed to do in these things anyway?" They make eye contact at the same moment. 

Only a minute later, and Moss is already in Roy's lap and pulling at his hair, kissing down his best friends face as enthusiastically as he was when they first did it. 

Roy feels that Moss may have already improved at his kissing. Meaning he's either a quick learner, or he's been practicing. The latter is so absurd, he almost laughs out loud. 

A voice surprises them. "Oh my god!" They both jump, slightly irritated at having been interrupted again. Both the men turn to see none other than Jen standing in front of them. 

"Hello, Jen!" Moss, for reasons unbeknownst to Roy, seems genuinely happy to see her. He removes himself from Roy, and instead sits on the bench next to him.

In the past couple of seconds, Jen's expression has gone from surprised and slightly disturbed to pleased. She crosses her arms, careful not to disturb the towel that is wrapped around her torso. 

"Well, I'm a bit hurt. Why did neither of you tell me that you were together?" Moss and Roy look at eachother quizzically. It seems that neither of them knew, either. 

"Yeah well." Roy says a bit angrily. "Where's your partner then? Couldn't find one?" Moss laughs and shoves Roy's shoulder. 

"Huh? What do you mean? He's right here." After a moment of looking at the empty space mext to Jen, Moss yelps. "Richmond!" With a white towel over his head and another over his waist, he was indistinguishable from the white walls and floors. 

Roy cries out when he spots Rickmond, as well. "Jesus Christ! You look like-"

"Like a ghost," Moss interjects. "You look like a ghost." Richmond the apparition sighs hauntingly. "Good to see you both, as well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry richmond


	2. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 72 days later

The carboard box is heavy, but he manages to haul it inside and set it gently down on the kitchen counter top.

"Roy!" He yells for his boyfriend, and patiently waits, while unrolling the sleeves of his plaid button up. He hears heavy footsteps approaching the kitchen and grins when he sees Roy. 

"Hey. Did you not get the coffee?" Moss admires how his accent is slightly stronger once he's just woken up. "No, no. I got something even better."

Moss waits until Roy is by his side to open the box. 

"Oh my god." Roy reaches inside the box and pulls out two, fat grey kittens. They mew in his arms, and he opens his mouth in awe. 

"Happy anniversary," Moss says proudly. Roy's face screws into disappointment, or as disappointed someone can look while holding two kittens. "Oh, shit. Fuck, Moss, I'm sorry. I must've forgot. What anniversary is it?"

Moss decides to let Roy's language slide. It is, in fact, a special day. "Apology accepted, my love. It's the seventy second day we've been together. The big seven two." 

Roy's eyebrows pull together. He rolls his eyes, feels a very strong surge of love for the dork in front of him, and leans in to kiss the dork himself.

"In that case, happy anniversary."


End file.
